My Number is Back Up
by Dakiriri
Summary: Bella has been in a waking coma for two months, when Jasper, at the urging of Esme, decides to take the opportunity to see how Bella is faring, in order to escape what has been bothering him since September 13th. Eventual Bella/Jasper, set in New Moon.
1. Number 1

** Summary**: Bella has been in a waking coma for two months, when Jasper, at the urging of Esme, decides to take the opportunity to see how Bella is faring, in order to escape what has been bothering him since September 13th. Eventual Bella/Jasper, set in New Moon.

**I am a plagiarizer! **Got your attention? Please read the note. (Disclaimer: I'm not, not really.)

**Note:** I take a huge amount of inspiration from _malarial Marie _and her BAD MOON RISING series. It's a very well written Jasper/Bella story. If you have read her series, then you'll surely notice some similarities in this story, plot points, to be sure, but very different.

I've been trying to think of a way how to write this story because there's one point in Marie's series that I wanted to explore, to see how it diverges. In a sense, this story is a fanfic of a fanfic. I'm doing my best not to rip her wonderful story off, and at the same time, make it my own. Lastly, this is done in Jasper's POV. I _ may_ write some in Bella's, but we'll see.

Without further ado...!

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><p>'<em>They are ridiculous, being ridiculous with themselves,<em>'_ I thought,_ slowing my rented car down as I passed a sign, entering the city limits. My eyesight barely registered the name of the city: Forks. I passed it so many times now, I knew I was already _in_Forks when I saw that particular tree on the right side of the road.

Eventually, I parked in a crowded parking lot at the local grocery store-less conspicuous than if I had parked in some abandoned lot. No one paid any attention, even though I hadn't been here two months. Someone _may_have noticed, if they were paying attention. Humans usually weren't when they had their own errands to run.

I took a leisure walk toward the road to a nearby park, examining my surroundings for any humans glancing my way-no one was. I disappeared.

Reappearing just within the treeline of the forest to a house I had come to check, I studied for a moment. The truck was in the driveway, the cruiser gone. Sending my feelers out into the house as I leaned against the trunk of a tree, nonchalantly. I was here merely doing Esme's favor. Edward was not himself and had been on the run for a few weeks now, tired of trying to keep himself away from his darling. Detecting no one in the house, I wondered briefly where else she could be. I went to turn around to start finding Bella in town when a glimpse of movement in the house caught my attention, and I stopped, looking again. There she was, passing through the living room's window.

I frowned for a moment, sending out my feelers again and found nothing.

Absolutely nothing. Then she was gone from my sight again, making _me_suspect my own imagination.

Then I detect hunger, and saw here again appearing the kitchen's window, helping herself to a snack. Once she chewed on a bar, hunger was replaced with nothing again. I was baffled-I hadn't come across a human who could feel _nothing_and still be living. Or undead. I quirked an eyebrow for a moment, wondering what I was going to do.

Esme had been right to send me here-what in the world had Edward done to Bella? If this what is what Edward had done that is...

I shook my head, wondering if I should watch Bella, examine her, figure out what was wrong with her. Doubting my own abilities, I sent my feelers out further and found neighbors-_anger_-_love_-_fear_. Nothing broken with myself, only Bella. I sighed, wondering if this is how Edward had doubted himself the first time he met her. How it had frustrated him to figure out just what she was thinking. What _was_she feeling now? Despair? I found nothing. Not even depression. It was as though she was in a waking coma. Yes, that had to be it, even if that was not possible.

I crossed my arms over my chest in concern, furrowing my eyebrows, trying to find _some_glimmer of emotion in this infuriating human. I still had nothing. Perhaps it would change when her father came home. I stayed where I was to wait for an external distraction to play on Bella's emotions.

The sky darkened when her father pulled into the space next to the truck. I felt apprehension, despair, hope and a sad state of acceptance. This caused me to raise my eyebrow again.

"I'm home, Bells," he called out as he entered the house, putting things away-his gun, keys, and jacket.

"Welcome home," she said without any effort except breathing. To my dismay, I still detected no emotion from her, but from her father-it had the emotion of "_I knew it_" acceptance. He was disappointed with himself, and felt unqualified. Unqualified to be a father, perhaps, I deduced.

"How'd your day go?" she asked nonconversantaly, as though it was expected of her as a daughter.

"Fine, eat dinner?" he asked, entering the kitchen.

"Yeah," she answered and I narrowed my eyes, I had been standing here since lunch, and she most certainly did not have dinner yet. I studied her again-to my horror, the fact that I had not noticed-it was obvious that she lost weight. Too much weight. The clothes was barely hanging on her body.

"Come eat with me Bella, please," he begged of his daughter."I'll order out, anything you want. Pizza, subs, sushi..."

"I ate just before you got home, thanks anyway," she said, reading her book for English.

I clenched my fists, my arms still crossed over my chest. Was this girl _insane_? I still could _not_ detect any emotions, even while she lied. Humans, while lying, _always_had some sort of emotion. Even a little white lie. Nothing came out of this girl. Suddenly, I felt a sense of sympathy for Edward, just a small sense of sympathy for what my brother had to go through.

Eventually, she went upstairs to her room. I moved to another part of the forest and hanging on a branch so I could study her. She moved about the room with unnatural slowness, like she barely had the energy to take a step.

First thing first, I decided, was to make her realize that she needed to wake up from this... coma she was in. And smell the food, the concerns and worries that her father obviously had for his daughter. I flickered my eyes to the living room-sensing a deep despair emanating from his form-and watched the girl again.

My phone buzzed, and I answered it without looking, knowing it was Alice.

"It's not going to work, you'll need to do something else," she said, her voice gave away that she was upset. I tried to ignore the irritation over the fact that she had to tell me my plan won't work.

"How is she feeling?" she asked.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell her, watching Bella move to her bed.

"Jasper?" she asked, worried. "Why won't you tell me? I can't see what you're going to say." I didn't want to decide to tell anyone, precisely for this reason. I sighed, knowing I couldn't keep this information about her best friend from Alice.

"I can't feel anything," I admitted, my eyes still narrowed, concentrating still on finding a small hint of emotion as she tried to sleep. "Like, she doesn't exist."

"She's... that bad?" she asked, sounding alarmed. "What has _Edward_done to her?" she said venomously. "Wait until I find this idiot and..." she rambled off into what she was going to do to our brother. Meanwhile, I watched Bella sleeping.

_Now_I could sense her emotions, and it hit me like a wrecking ball hitting Sears Tower, knocking the whole thing down. It left me breathless and I dropped the phone, and by some horrible luck, it crashed onto a rock, shattering into several pieces. I stared at the girl with alarm in my eyes-I felt deep despair and loneliness, sense of betrayal, and depression so deep, I wasn't sure I could find myself to breathe again. I stood there, rock solid as I experienced her negative emotions as tidal waves, unable to move.

Had her exposure to the supernatural so sensitized her to emotions, to thoughts, that they were multiplied? I had not come across any _human _capable of feeling this deeply. Vampires, yes, and they shook me to the core on occasion, like the state of my house is in ever since we left Forks. I expected that, but a _human_girl? I shuddered, and I took a shaky breath, wondering how long I had stood here on the branch, lucky that I had not fallen off and ruin this shirt.

I closed my eyes, wondering how this girl was still living. She might have even contemplated suicide by this point. It was a natural progression for humans, especially hormonal teenaged girls. I glowered, wondering if I should start watching Bella, to make sure she doesn't take her own life.

Something _needed_to be done. Could I show up at the front door in the morning and say hello? That would certainly shock her out of the state she is in. But, would it provide false hope? Edward certainly made himself clear that he was never going to see Bella again, going as so far to lock himself in the literal depths of ocean for the next 90 years, ascertaining himself to the fact that she would never need to see him again, living her normal, human life. I doubted that he could do that, maybe.

I looked up at the sky with surprise, the sky was getting light, announcing itself exactly how long I had been standing here, rocked by Bella's emotions. In no time at all, her emotions returned to nothing, and soon, she woke up, her expressionless face showed nothing of her terrors as she got ready for the day.

That was too unnatural. Venom pooled in my mouth with rage at Edward for doing this to her. I closed my eyes, sensing the need to hunt to calm myself down, and maybe destroy a few trees.

Sometime later, I found Bella at school, it was more difficult to study what was going on with her, not having the mind reading abilities. I still could not find Bella's emotional signature that all humans uniquely had. I waited until lunch time, and was able to examine her from an angle where I would not be discovered. She was chewing her apple slowly, not aware of her surroundings. her friends barely paid any attention to her, only Angela did. The friend was obviously worried, and frantic of trying to figure out how to help Bella. I saw her opening her mouth a few times to Bella, but lost the courage and went back to her lunch.

So, her friends, on the whole, were ignoring Bella. My fists shook at the injustice, why wasn't _anybody_trying to help her now? Angela, bless her, could use some bit of courage, and I smirked, knowing now just what I could do. I gave her some bit of courage she so desperately needed. Angela looked back at Bella again, biting her bottom lip and smiled at her new found courage.

"Bella?" she asked, garnering the attention of other friends. They were puzzled for a moment and then went back to their conversation. Bella looked at Angela, her eyes unfocused. "Do you want to come over to my house and study?"

I injected a bit of desire into Bella, hoping she would say yes. To my dismay, she did the opposite. "No, thank you," she said with a smile, her eyes refocusing, then began eating her apple more quickly.

Her desire grew, and I was floundering about, trying to figure out what kind of desire she was acting on.

I could only hope that she had a positive desire about something, not negative. I waited until she got out of school for the day to find out what this desire, now a growing determination to achieve that desire. I frowned, trying to detect some other emotion accompanying this new determination she now held in her heart. People around her noticed-how could they not? She had been in a coma, and now she looks like she's wide awake, interacting with her surroundings with more feeling, false feelings.

I gritted my teeth, hating this mystery, and hoping I hadn't made a mistake, wishing I hadn't dropped the damn phone, Alice would surely let me know what Bella had decided on... I shook my head. '_No, I need to stop relying so much on her._'

At Bella's house, I resumed my first position on the ground as yesterday, watching the living room as she bustled around the house-cleaning? I watched her, dumbfounded. Why was she cleaning, the very first thing she did after dropping her book bag on the couch? I had to be patient, watching her even _dusting_the ceiling. Had she snapped? Her new resolve had solidified more the longer she cleaned. She went upstairs and cleaned that floor as well, even her father's room.

She did her room last, hesitating for a moment then cleaned it as well. New feeling came out-acceptance and longing. I shook my head, wondering if I had sensed it wrong. I hadn't. I ticked things off in my head, she had a desire to do something, and was determined to achieve the goal, then she accepted that she would or would not do it, and longed to have that goal accomplished. No impatience. She looked outside at the sky, and smiled.

I looked up, and only saw cloudy skies, nothing out of ordinary for Forks. I looked back again, waiting for her to start setting out on doing what she really wanted to do. She didn't disappoint-she grabbed her raincoat and keys, nothing else. Not even her purse or cell phone. I looked up again, the sky wasn't raining, but I could sense it-it was going to be downpour not too long from now.

A loud roaring of the truck pulled my attention back to the girl, she was now driving off to the west. I followed without a problem, wondering where she was going. The truck veered southwest, past the reservation. The drive was long, but time passed quickly. In the distance, I sensed the bluffs coming up in the distance, I could smell the ocean in the air and I remembered the area well. There was nothing in this direction but parks.

'_Where is she going?_' I wondered, watching the truck as I skipped by on the side, in the forest and out of sight. Her feelings changed-apprehension, but the resolve grew even deeper, nothing would change what she was going to do now, short of some sort of external factor changing her course. I hoped I wouldn't be that.

The engine whined as she gunned the truck, watching the edge of the bluff approach, a smile playing on her lips. My eyes widened with terror at the realization of what she was about to commit.

'_No!_' my mind screamed, running after her truck and grabbed the back fender of the truck-the front wheels teetering on the edge of the cliffs. I lifted it with ease and swung it around 180 degrees, facing the forest again. I dropped it with just enough force to pop two tires, so she wouldn't try the stunt again.

Hope and terror rose up in Bella as she sat there, frozen in her seat, unwilling to look back to see who had stopped the truck. I took a deep breath, trying not to appear _too_mad at the girl, trying to calm myself down before I faced Bella.

Bella was still not looking back, so I had to be the one to walk up to her. I stopped at the driver's side, looking at Bella's profile. Her hands on the wheel was tight, skin pulled over her knuckles tightly, her face white, and anger began to play on her expression as it also welled up inside her.

She looked at me at last, and surprise filled her-I had been expecting that one. I was no Edward, after all. I smirked wryly at the girl. She opened the door quickly and stumbled out, staring at me with shock.

"About to throw your truck away?" I said, smiling wryly.

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><p>About to throw your review away?<p> 


	2. Number 2

"W-what..." she stammered, looking to the cliffs, the ocean, at the truck, and at me again.

"I came to check in on you yesterday," I said quietly. "And look what I have found."

"Why?" she asked, frowning, confusion warred in her heart. Suspicion tainted her confusion.

"Despite what Edward might have said," I said, "we, my family, still care very much about you."

"Did... Did Alice see that I wanted to die?" she asked, hugging herself, backing away, her truck stopping her from going any further..

"She might have," I said with a shrug. "It was my fault today at lunch, for causing this to happen."

Confusion played up in her heart even further, her eyes furrowed, _What_? was playing on her lips. I decided to explain my part.

"I... encouraged Angela to be bolder," I began, waving my hand a little. "I thought that if I injected just a little of desire on your part, you would go over to Angela's. Start a chain reaction."

She gritted her teeth, fury filling every cell in her body, sent me reeling as her night terrors had. "You! _You_ interfered with my head!"

"I'm sorry," I said, ashamed, keeping my eyes locked with her furious ones. "I wanted to do something."

"The past five hours... I," she gasped, trying to breathe, looking away from me. "I thought... I was so at_ peace!_ I thought I was going to finally go through with I thought I should have done _that _day. To die. I'm only hurting those around me right now. I'm worthless."

All the 'right' emotions were finally playing out of her like it should have, except they were still more powerful than normal. I winced as I continued to listen to her rambling, her rants, her hyperventilating. I did my best to ignore the way her face was reddening out of anger. '_Get a grip, Whitlock!'_ I thought, and tried not notice how the blood pooled in her cheeks as she continued to voice herself exactly how she felt about Edward leaving, about us leaving her without so much as a good bye, and me influencing her emotions

"I absolutely hate you!" she turned on me after exhausting her opinion on how idiotic Edward had been. "Haven't you realized how hard I was trying to suppress my emotions?"

'_Too well,_' I thought, glaring, but not saying anything as she continued on without skipping a beat.

"I needed to suppress my emotions, you idiot! Now you brought it _all_ out! I've been keeping my emotions down just so I could live for my mom, for my friends, _for Charlie!_ I didn't want to die, I wanted to live for them, I tried my best, but I couldn't because I wanted to die, Jasper! _I want to die!_"

I recoiled from the power of her voice and emotions—like a wrecking ball again.

"But now," she said and took a deep breath, almost calming down. "I've realized just how much I've been hurting everyone with my mere existence. I could tell I'm tearing my dad to pieces, Angela's frantic, and no one else cares. My mom..."

She took a deep breath again, and let it out slowly between her teeth, hissing softly, glaring at me. I held my breath, staving off her scent she sent my way.

"Are you quite finished yet?" I asked, "Because if you are, I think we need to get you home."

Thunderclaps announced the arrival of the downpour, soaking both of us in seconds. She increased the fury in her glaring eyes, unmoving. Her wavy hair soon became straight as railroad tracks. It reminded me of how miserable looking wet kittens looked. I kept my humor under wraps as I stared back, swallowing the venom in my mouth-the rain had multiplied the potency of her scent. It didn't escape her notice, and to my amazement, she felt concerned.

"Are you all right, Jasper?" she asked, giving me space as she inched along the truck, moving away from me. Maybe she hadn't forgotten about the birthday party. I chuckled humorlessly.

"I've been better," I admitted, watching her, remembering other unpleasant things that were happening in my life right now. "My thirst, however, is manageable."

We stared at each other for another long moment, not speaking. We only heard the heavy roar of the rain and the occasional thunder, some lightening brightening the sky, showing deep shadows on our faces, deepening the fury on Bella's part, it seemed.

I looked at the truck significantly and looked back at her. She sighed, turned and got back into the cab. I quickly got in the passenger's side, remembering that she couldn't drive the truck now because of the popped tires. I now regretted doing that.

"Sorry for popping the tires," I said after a moment. She had turned the engine off, sitting there, waiting for the rain to stop pouring down like Niagara Falls.

"Did it on purpose, did you?" she asked with steel in her voice.

"You _were _going to kill yourself," I said, looking at Bella.

"I wouldn't have tried again," she snapped at me, Bella's anger hit me like a whiplash, and I winced again. "You'd have stopped me anyway, no matter what other stunts-" she stopped suddenly as she realized something. She smirked, and her emotions now terrified me. She was still going to kill herself, and she found a way around me.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, nervous energy pulsed through my dead veins. She faced me fully.

"You have two options, Jasper," she said, her smile widened. "Either you let me go and jump off the cliffs here," she thumbed to the back of the truck. "Or I puncture myself."

I let out a loud growl when I realized what she was hinting at, my body tensing up with an emotion beyond fury. How could this girl be _that_ callous? "How-" I snarled as I tried to begin and stopped. I closed my eyes momentarily and recollected myself. "How could you even _suggest _that, Bella? To... even think of kicking me off the wagon just so _you_," I pointed at her, "could die? Aren't you even being considerate for others anymore?"

Where was the Bella I knew in all of this? The selfless girl? I wondered, glaring at her, trying to figure out a way to save her. She could bite her tongue, scratch her eye out, bite herself, fall over… I clenched my fists.

"I'm tired of hurting those around me," she said, sighing as I held my breath. "It'll be the last thing I do to hurt people, and then no more."

"You're hurting me by thinking of doing _that_ to me," I hissed.

"You'll get over it, you have an eternity," she said glumly. This girl was _impossible!_ When I didn't say anything for a moment, afraid that I would lose my self-control. She looked at me. "What's it going to be?"

"I have the self-control," I said a moment later, making sure I didn't snarl again. '_Do I _have_ the control?_' I wondered to myself, staring back at her.

"Really?" she asked sardonically, raising an eyebrow, doubting. "Want to put that to the test?"

"No, I cannot allow you to hurt yourself," I said, begging her with my eyes. '_Don't do anything stupid, don't do anything stupid, Bella.'_

She looked straight ahead of her for a moment and then looked at me again, I sensed resolve in her again as she smiled. "So you won't let me jump off some cliffs…"

She began digging her nails into her palm, and I grabbed it instantly, preventing her from breaking the surface, panicking now. Her skin burned me, I was trying as hard as I could not to break her hand, imagining her like the most fragile of glass.

"Please Bella, don't do this to me," I begged again. The scent of Bella was now suffocating me in this small cab. Why did I come here alone? Why did I refuse Esme's volunteer to come along?

She bit her bottom lip and with my other hand, pulled her lips away from her teeth gently, imploring her with my eyes, my body was burning now, nearly in flames. She gritted her teeth, her eyes snarling at me. With her other free hand, she scratched her arm I was holding on to, and she winced. Despair filled me, a fire consumed me, I couldn't do anything as the smell of her blood rocked the cab, rocked me. Before, I had been flooded like water, now I was seared over like lava. I closed my eyes, struggling with myself.

I had no witnesses here, venom was getting impossible to manage, but I remained rock solid where I was. I watched the tiny little pools of blood on her skin, teasing me. The blood sang, calling me like the cursed sirens of old. I looked away, not breathing. I let go of Bella a few minutes later, trying not to allow myself get closer to her. With vampire speed, I got out of the truck, breathing hard to get rid of the scent. It didn't help, her scent was all over me now. I snarled at Bella, feeling betrayed by the once-selfless girl, and I spun around, running into the forest. Seconds later, her scent was tolerable again, and I returned to the side of the cab, a soft glare in my expression.

Through it all, she wasn't scared, depression still played through her emotions. To her, this was inevitable. As inevitable as the moon rising in the east, and the clouds over Forks.

"Why can't you let me go?" she asked without heat, her eyes morose. "I just want to die to myself, barring that, to let my emotions die."

I got back into the cab, drenched again by the rain, pain filled my face as I looked at her, not breathing. I lifted my hand to stroke her cheek but stopped myself, the blood spilling softly was still singing to me. I clenched my lifted hand and withdrew it. I didn't know if I could stop myself once I touched her skin.

"You shouldn't let Edward take this much of you away," I said, using all my breath up, noticing how hoarse my voice was.

"He was my world, my life," she said, looking at my fisted hand with longing. "How can I possibly recover, knowing that he never truly loved me?"

'_Oh Bella, you have no idea the love he has for you,_' I thought, wanting to say this to her, but not trusting myself around her, with her arm still bleeding. '_You are the world to him, ready to lock himself away in the depths of the oceans. You have no idea, do you?_'

I swallowed the venom in my throat and backed away from her, opened the door for a moment to take a deep breath.

"Sorry," she said, sounding not at all apologetic as I closed the door again, looking at Bella.

I glowered at her fake apology but let it go—she wasn't thinking straight right now. "You really need to see the person you are, without letting someone else define you. Bella, those who _do_ define themselves through other people are never happy. I made that mistake twice now."

Surprise filled her, staring at me with a deep expression that—by her emotions—meant she was thinking carefully, judging me differently than she had thought before. A paradigm shift had taken place in Bella, it seems.

"What do you mean, what mistakes have you made?" she wondered. "I thought you all were… perfect, never making a mistake. I'm the imperfect human."

I chuckled, "We are still very much human like yourselves. We're just in a different form." I wasn't ready to tell her what mistakes I've made. Of course, she persisted.

"Won't you tell me?"

I looked away from her, "I'm not ready to talk about my past mistakes."

"How will I recover if I can't learn from others?" she asked. Curiosity filled her, I sensed no hope-she didn't expect to recover from this. I knew it was just one way to convince me. I looked at Bella again, wondering if she just might start running and screaming at my first mistake, or get pissed and growl at me for my second mistake. Or not care at all about my past, disregarding how I once lived like others had.

'_Maybe it will give her a glimmer of hope?_' I thought, sitting where I was for a long moment, her arm now healed, but I could still smell the scabs. It increased the potency of her scent. '_If I tell her, I have to try..._'

I went with the first mistake to share with Bella.

"My first mistake was Maria," I said, relaxing myself as I told her of my first part of my existence. "She lured me away from other soldiers, and said that I would do. The mistake was following her blindly, thinking that she cared about me—she did, her emotions didn't lie. But only that she cared about her… weapons.

"I was ruthless, Bella. I turned people into vampires, I trained them, and when they outlived their use, I killed them, and I killed people without remorse, without feeling, I used their emotions to my advantage for months on end, decade after decade. Humans, vampires, they were all the same to me. All was done for Maria, for the bloodlust that I held in me. I never second-guessed Maria. I never could—until a couple of vampire rescued me after kicking them out of my army. I, for some reason, saved Peter and Charlotte when they outlived their use. In the end, they rescued me from Maria, and it was then I finally saw for what Maria is."

I looked at her again, sensing fascination and awe in Bella. I mentally shook my head, realizing what Edward had been saying—she really did not react normally.

"I thought, by now, you would be running from me," I said wryly.

"After everything I've been through?" she asked, raising her eyebrow as though I had forgotten the fact.

Thinking about her involvement, I had to concede to her point of view. I chuckled humorlessly again, looking out the window. The rain was still in full force.

"You said you made other mistakes," she prodded.

"Another time," I said, schooling my face, this one, I was _not_ ready to talk to her about, much less to anyone else. Not even Alice. Not yet, at least. It was one of the reasons why I had come here, to escape for a moment.

"But—"

"No, I haven't even talked to anyone about this, I'm not even ready to talk," I said, shaking my head, wishing the rain would let up. I should do something about the tires, but I was afraid to leave her here alone while I got some new tires for the truck.

She fell quiet, and I was glad for it.

"You don't trust me?" she asked.

"No, I don't want to say anything, because I know Alice will be watching."

"She doesn't know about this… second mistake, you've made?" she asked, suspiciously. "It must have been a recent one." She perked up at something, realizing.

"No, an old one that I've only recently realized about," I replied, crushing her suspicions—it had nothing to do with her birthday, and _everything_ to do with it. It was my wake up call.

"Hm," she said, studying me, trying to guess. She leaned forward to her driving wheel, resting her elbows on top of it, looking out into the blinding rain. "How long will it rain?" she murmured.

"Awhile," I said, looking up at the darkening sky. "What would you do if I went and bought some tires and came back? Not going to do anything stupid, are you?"

For a fraction of a second, hope rose in her and then looked at me. "I'll stay where I am."

'_Fat chance…_' I glared, studying her. "No, I'm staying with you."

"But, the tires…" she protested. She sighed, giving up. "Fine, I won't do anything reckless like throwing myself off the cliffs."

"I still don't trust you," I said.

"I _do_ want to know what your second mistake was…" she said, looking at me, hopeful. "Can we make a bargain?"

'_Anything to keep her alive just for a little longer..._' I thought, watching the rain. I hadn't decided to tell Bella, so then… I would lie to her. String her along for just a little longer.

"Fine, I'll tell you what it is, if you stay put," I looked at her, waiting for her to promise me not to do anything stupid.

"Fine," she said, nodding. Instantly, I got out of the truck, glad for the freedom the air presented itself—cleansing me of Bella's scent as I ran to the nearest tire store—back in Forks. The mechanic happily got me two tires that I requested, and soon, I was back at the truck. She remained where she was, and I felt a sigh of relief as I worked to replace the tires quickly. '_Thank you, Rosalie, for teaching how to replace tires_,' I thought as I soon found myself back inside the cab.

"That was barely even ten minutes," she stated, used to the speed vampires worked at.

"Enough time for you to break your promise, but thank you for keeping it," I said, knowing that I would break my own.

"I'll drive, you talk," she said, starting up the truck and shifting the gears, and we were on our way back to her home. I remained silent. "Well?" she persisted.

"Sorry, I can't tell you," I said, looking out the window to my right. "I had to lie, or Alice would know."

"Is it that big of a deal that she would know?" she asked, frowning when she realized I wasn't keeping to the end of my bargain. I could sense an edge of anger tinting her emotions.

"Yes," I answered. Speculative mood filled Bella again, keeping her eyes on the road.

"All right," she decided and I looked at her, wondering how she was able to let this one go. She was most certainly_ not_ her normal self. Any other time, she would have kept prodding me, and I might have said something. "Maybe after you tell Alice."

I winced, hating that everything was still tied back to Alice. She looked at me for an instant, wondering if what she saw was her imagination or the light playing ticks.

"I'll need your phone when we get in," I said, remembering my shattered phone last night.

"Okay," she said, and then they were silent for the rest of the way home.

A silence that neither of us minded. It was comfortable, the pitter-patter of the rain on the top of the cab, the windshield, and the bed of the truck. It was a pleasant sound, knowing that she was able to still hear them now, to still enjoy them. I congratulated myself for the control I was able to exhibit today, for saving Bella from herself. I let out a silent sigh.

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><p>Second pleasant sound that comes with pitter-patter of the rain is the sound of reviews coming into the inbox.<p> 


	3. Number 3

Inside, Bella pointed to the phone and I walked to it, picked it up and dialed Alice's number while Bella went upstairs.

"Jasper!" she said, thankful to hear my voice again. "You did a wonderful job today! Oh, I was so worried that you wouldn't be able to save her in time. Not to mention, Jas, your control has gotten so much better in matter of minutes!"

I allowed myself to feel better, allowing Alice to congratulate me. It _had_ been a close thing, if I had shifted wrong, if she had breathed wrong… I shook my head.

"Alice, what are we going to do?" I used my vampiric speed to talk to her, not allowing Bella to hear me.

"Just keep an eye out on her," she said firmly. "Also… that thing you wanted to tell Bella…"

I froze, wondering if she had already seen it.

"Tell her, don't worry about me. We'll talk later," she said brightly. As though she hadn't seen what my second mistake was. I couldn't sense emotions over a phone call, so I couldn't be sure. I glowered, deciding to never tell Bella.

"Alice… do you know?" I asked. A pause.

"No, you won't even say anything to me. I do want you to tell me…"

I sighed, still using the speed to muffle my conversation with Alice. I wondered when I was going to tell my wife. It would have to be sometime later, not today or tomorrow, next month or next year, that much I knew.

"All right," I said, "I'll keep that in mind. It does seem to be the only way keeping her alive right now."

"Exactly, whatever your mistake is, I'm glad you made it," she said, smile in her voice. I winced. "It will be all right, Jas."

I sensed Bella at the top of the stairs and my eyes flickered up. "I need to go," I said.

"Send Bella my love," she said, and hung up. I hung up too, watching Bella come down the steps in her dry clothes. Ready for bed, it seems.

"Alice sends her love," I said as she reached the bottom of the stairs. Love warmed over her face and smiled. I was satisfied with that, glad I had relayed the message. Then we stood there in silence for a moment. "I'll take my leave." I half turned when she stopped me with:

"Wait."

I arched an eyebrow, looking at Bella again, noticing that she wanted to touch my arm but held herself back. My body was still tensed even since the moment I got out of the truck. The scent was still powerful.

"Will you visit me tonight?" she asked.

"Like how Edward visited you?" I asked and she flinched.

"Yeah, your company would be nice," she said, her eyes hopeful, her entire body was screaming with hope, I tried not to recoil, not wanting to disappoint her. '_Then again, it _would _give me a chance to make sure she didn't kill herself_,'I thought. The thought of being in her bedroom caused the imagination to play in my mind. '_Fuck,_' I cursed mentally as I held my breath for a moment, trying not to think of her powerful scent if I visited Bella in her room.

"Maybe," I said, trying not to grit my teeth. _'If I found a tasty meal in the next hour…_' I thought to myself.

My control was being spent, that much I knew. "I'll take my leave now," I said after another moment of silence stretched between us.

"Right, hope to see you tonight," she said, smiling. Now I really did not want to disappoint her. I left the house, I dropped multiple f-bombs in my mind, and I ran into the forest cursing the world.

.:.:.

I wiped the blood of a bear off my lips as I ran back to the house, feeling more in control again. This girl was causing my practice of self-control at an exponential rate faster than I ever had in the past fifty years. I wasn't sure if I was thankful for Bella, or frustrated at myself. Both, I had decided. I stopped just before entering the backyard, taking half an hour to decide if I really should go through with this. Indecision warred in my head as I watched the bedroom window that led to Bella's. She was there, in the rocking chair, watching outside, unseeing. Waiting.

With another string of expletives, I knew I couldn't keep her waiting. So, I went to the tree and climbed up to Bella's room. She was still sitting there, waiting. The moment she saw me, Bella quickly opened the window and allowed my entry.

"How was the hunt?" she asked, looking at me, examining my eyes.

"Fine, I managed to find a grizzly," I said with a smirk. Bella _would_ be the one to notice what I did and ask how it went. Sensing that Charlie wasn't home yet, I took Bella's seat in the rocking chair, and she sat on the end of her bed, we faced each other.

"So…" she drew out the word, looking for something to talk about. I looked out the window. "Why did you come?" she asked.

"Esme wanted to check in on you. I took the chance to get out of the house for a bit," I replied. "She wanted to come too, but I told her I wanted to be alone on this trip. She didn't like the idea, but eventually agreed."

"I might have still been still suppressing my emotions if you hadn't of come," she accused.

"And that's not healthy at all," I glared at her. "It's… not natural. It was like Edward not being able to read your thoughts. I couldn't _sense_ you. I thought you weren't home when I first came here and was about to go find you in town, then I saw you go into the kitchen, and finally sensed you, you felt hungry."

"I was just trying to survive," she said glumly.

"Which you were, but you haven't moved on. That's how you live, you move on, stronger than before," I said.

"Ashes to ashes…" she hummed. "From ashes, I rise."

I quirked an eyebrow at this line of poetry. It was jumbled, but the phrase sounded familiar. Like she hashed two or three poems together.

"Right… if you burn into cinders, into ashes," I said, playing along with her lines. "There's still a little bit of you, and it's up to you to be reborn."

"Like a phoenix."

"Like phoenix," I agreed, smiling now. "What do you say?"

She looked at her fingers, she flickered her eyes to me and back again, examining her left index finger.

"But vampires can't rise again if they're burned into ashes. That's how I feel. There's no hope."

"There _is_ hope, Bella," I argued, wondering how we had gotten from phoenix, symbol of hope, to vampires, damnation. "You're still living, and if you live, you can still rise from this."

She looked at me with a deadpan look. "Unless you're a vampire."

"No, I made a distinction, Bella, I said you're _still_ living. I'm living too. So, unless something interrupts the cycle, we can keep rising up from whatever we've been burned by."

She looked at her index finger again.

"Will you try to rise again from the ashes?"

Silence.

"Bella?"

" I'll try," she said, nervous rising up from within her. "But I don't know how."

"I can help," I said, "if you want me to help."

She smiled, looking at me. "I would like that." Relief filled me, maybe she would try to move on now. A moment later, a familiar sense of hope and resolve rose in Bella again and I snapped my face to her eyes. I narrowed my eyes and she sighed, realizing she couldn't lie if she broadcasted her emotions. I decided that I would need to watch her closely, she apparently _wasn't_ convinced that she could rise. I needed to figure out a way to help her rise again. To find herself.

"Go to sleep," I told her, trying to tone down my curtnessr. Her face soured at my command but didn't protest by going to bed. Sometime later, she was now dreaming. I left.

The next three days, it was the same thing—my watching her, talking to her when she was home, and every time, she still hoped to find a way to achieve her goal. People at school had noticed that she 'woke up' but unsure of this new development within Bella's eyes. Like they instinctively knew something was even more wrong with Bella than before. Her father was no exception.

The first night, Bella joined her dad for dinner, surprising him. I couldn't help myself but smile when I sensed glee, elation, and joy rising up in this man. Eventually, he noticed that something was still off about his daughter.

"So, what… uh," he stammered as he swallowed his fish fry bite, "made you come back to us?"

"Oh, I discovered something important about myself," she said. It was half-truth—she _had_ discovered something important—to her—and it was that she believed she wasn't worth anything. Something I was determined to prove her wrong.

On the fourth day, I wandered the streets of Port Angeles while Bella was in school, wondering what I could do to help Bella. Some new clothes? No, I wasn't her 'girl friend'. I knew she was safe in school; she wouldn't try anything, knowing that I might be watching. She had glimpsed me on the second day since the first night I visited her room when she went to her fourth class of the day. She positively glowered down at me and turned around abruptly. She was not pleased that I was watching her.

I paused in front of a window, sighting various musical instruments and an idea came to my mind. She needed a way to let out her frustrations, her feelings, and it seems that she did not have a hobby, which meant no outlet for her emotions. It definitely was not healthy—she had gone back to eradicating her emotions to hide from me. How the hell did the girl do it?

I entered the store, wondering what she would play, my eyes flickering from one instrument to another. Then they stopped when I noticed a selection of soprano ukulele. An associate saw me and came over. I held my breath, making sure the scent was okay. Ever since that time in the cab with Bella, I had discovered that my proximity to humans were somewhat better—if they maintained five foot space between us. The associate came within four feet, not ideal, but tolerable.

"May I help you?" he asked, I looked up at him and met an middle-aged man, his hair still full, but speckled with grey, wrinkles were somewhat prominent, but could pass for a forty year old.

"Yes, I'm looking for an instrument… my friend is having a hard time, and she doesn't exactly have a hobby to vent her emotions," I said, looking at another set of instruments, pipe instruments. "I want to get her something, something easy to learn, but still varied enough to vent a range of emotions."

"Hm, perhaps something easy for her to pick up, then?" he muttered, thinking as he scanned his store. "Do you play anything?"

"I play stringed instruments," I stated. "Various kinds."

'_More like all kinds of stringed instruments,_' I thought, but didn't want to tell him that.

The human raised his eyebrows and then thought for a moment.

"You can have her start on ukulele," he gestured to the stringed instruments in front of them. "Just four chords, small, portable, not to mention much more varied in musical genre than bass guitars, but simpler than an acoustic guitar. In fact, she can play jazz, blues, and rock and roll. Though, with rock and roll, she will need to play with a band… It won't sound right otherwise. But the skills she will gain is very easily transferrable to other stringed instruments, like guitars."

I made a noncommittal hum, looking at the soprano ukulele I had spotted earlier. It was dark brown, not polished, but matte. "May I?"

"Go ahead," he said with a smile. I picked up the uke and started playing a simple melody. It was off-tune, so I adjusted it accordingly. I played it again and the sound became much more full-bodied. It sounded perfect for a beginner like Bella.

"This will do," I said, looking at the man again. "Can you gift wr—" I started then remembered the birthday. I shook my head, "Never mind, a case to go with it would be nice."

I also picked up a few beginner books and, on an impulse, got myself a tenor uke to accompany Bella's. It was rare to find the tenor ukulele in a music store, and did not want to pass this chance up. To be honest, I was getting really excited at the idea of teaching her music. The hardest part would be convincing her to learn to play.

When Bella got home after school, she found her new ukulele on her bed. She spun around, facing me, and she felt indignant.

"What is _this_?"

"An ukulele," I replied, deadpan, then I smirked. I knew what she was really asking.

"No, I mean, _why_ did you get me this?"

"I thought you might like a distraction. Learn an instrument; it's something new for you to try."

"I'm busy," she said nastily, turning to her desk to do her homework. "Don't waste your money on me, and go return the instrument."

I shrugged, "Nah, if you don't want it, it'll go into the trash, and I'll find you another instrument to distract you with."

She looked at me with alarm, "_What?_ No."

I looked at her, looking serious.

"Ugh!" she lifted her hands up in the air exasperatedly. She lowered her arms to her desk, ignoring me as she did her English assignment. I went to the rocking chair with a smirk still playing on my lips. I knew I had won half the battle. I had sensed, for a second, delight when she saw ukulele on her bed.

Sometime later, she slammed the book closed, sitting back in her chair with her eyes closed, maintaining that she kept her emotions down. She got up and faced me, her eyes flickering to the uke.

"Distraction, huh?" she asked, moving to her bed to look at her newly acquired ukulele.

"Yes, I'll teach you the basics," I said, taking my tenor ukulele. It was quite different from hers, but the mechanics were the same. She picked up her stringed instrument up gingerly, afraid to break it.

"It's pretty," she commented, looking at hers and then at mine. "Phil likes to play."

"So, you have some experience?" I asked.

"Not really," she admitted. "He tried to teach me, but I didn't have the patience, my fingers are too clumsy. So, I'm warning you now, Jasper—"

"All right," I said, cutting her off with a smile. "Like I said, we'll start with the basics."

I began teaching her the names to different parts of her ukulele, using my own to point, and also naming the differences, such as the tuning. Then I taught her how to hold it. At times, I wished I could move closer to help her how to hold it, but I didn't trust myself in such a close proximity. I then taught her different ways to strum. It's one of the reasons why I liked uke—they were very versatile in that area.

Straight strumming plucking, or other techniques used on an ukulele.

While teaching, Bella had lowered her guard and I found her normal reaction similar to any other new music student—frustration, awe, and the ah-ha! moment of understanding. Two hours later, I heard the cruiser pull into the driveway. She had just strummed her first cord, trying to get used to how the finger is placed.

"Your dad's here," I said, setting down my uke. Bella sighed, not wanting to stop.

"I guess I'll go reheat leftovers," she said, setting hers down on the bed and left.

I sat back in the rocking chair, smile playing on my lips. At least she was experiencing positive emotions, it _was_ something, right? I hoped so.

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><p>Reviews keeps the cycle of rising from ashes going.<p> 


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